Rewiring Your Ego: Loving & Surviving Infidelity

By Eva G Kane,

author of It’s Not Too Late Baby, a Kundalini Love Story

What is wrong with this picture?  My husband is sitting right in the same room with me and my face is buried in the computer!  Promoting the book through social media had become all-consuming.  I’m supposed to be helping people connect with their spouses when I’m allowing precious time go to waste.  The next day I composed an e-mail to one of the most revered Kundalini Yoga Masters, Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa.  Below is the brief, yet powerful, exchange.


Sometimes I get conflicted with how much to push/promote, and how much to just be and trust.

Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa:      

Our philosophy is:  Do not push; be; trust!

So I decided to:

  1. be the woman who kept her marriage and family together. 
  2. be the woman who could enjoy time with her husband and son. 
  3. smile and listen to what they have to say without forcing my thoughts or agenda.
  4. let the attachment to the book go and simply trust.
  5. Limit time posting on social media.
  6. Relax and enjoy life.

Interesting things began to happen.

My husband Adam, a “good time Charlie” kind of a guy, has completely stopped drinking.  He was the kind to have a few drinks, get silly and be “the fun one.” 

It became less funny when all the driving fell on my shoulders!  I told him my concerns like what would happen if I needed him to drive?  Lately he drives everywhere and has been ordering only club soda.  I never thought I’d see this day.  Of course my overly proud ego wants to take all the credit for this miraculous development! 

“It’s me, it’s me,” (she screams)

“It’s because I’m calmer now,

I’m not annoying,

I don’t even nag anymore! 

I never complain,

well, almost never,

but I catch myself quickly!”

Eva G Kane’s Ego

The Authentic Relationships Teacher Training course confirmed my choice to forgive and lead with compassion.  It confirmed the pleasant surprise of my Ego Upgrade!  I loved reading in the textbook:

“If you have pride, be proud to be holy,

righteous, graceful and conscious”

Yogi Bhajan, Khalsa Women’s Training Camp 1976

Many people that cannot recover from infidelity are too attached to their ego to forgive.  I more or less threw my ego into oncoming traffic in order to make my marriage work.  Twice!

“All we have is the present moment,” Eckhart Tolle urges, “Everything else is ego!”  I knew what would happen if I threw him out.  I did not know what would happen if I transformed and led with forgiveness. 

I can tell you now though.  When I worked on me and calming my anxiety, it quelled the nagging and complaining and he came back to me fast and furious.  It’s very hard to stay mad at someone when they are making all the right moves in all the right directions.

He had been making steady progress towards healing from the infidelity, so much so that there was no other option than to totally trust him.  Anytime I would mention fear or mistrust, he’d do something to bring us closer. 

He is always there, caring, attending.

“If presence doesn’t work –

words are useless”

quote from Yogi Bhajan’s grandmother

“How can you ever trust him?”

“Once a cheater, always a cheater!”

quotes from skeptical friends

unless of course you add a

special ingredient into the mix

Kundalini Yoga

It was clear he deserved another chance.  I didn’t want to be an idiotic martyr, so I stopped being suspicious and untrusting.  It helped to remember some completely debauched things I used to do and how I would never dream of repeating them now. 

Slowly and steadily my ego came strutting back all new and shiny!  She was and still is so very proud, but for a much more healthy and compassionate reason. 

If more people were aware of this Ego Rewiring maybe more relationships would survive infidelity.  It’s certainly more palatable.  Time does heal.  I’m also getting my grace back!   Attending Acting School in the late 70’s is probably the antithesis for a young lady’s “Charm or Finishing School.”  Grace is not exactly a desired quality when you are learning to bear your soul in the theatre! 

The infidelity was only for 2-½ years.  That’s a very short time in a long marriage where most people naturally mellow with age.  We are enjoying our marriage after the infidelity and with our newfound practice of Kundalini Yoga.  We are in the process of selling our old bedroom set to bring in a lighter and fresher look matching the transformation of our relationship!

Surviving infidelity has not been easy, but as Esther Perel says, “For some couples, however, the affair becomes a transformational experience and catalyst for renewal and change.” 

“If you transfer the ego

from passion to compassion

you will become divine.”

Yogi Bhajan, Khalsa Women’s Training Camp 1976

Meditation played a huge part


Below are six of my favorite reasons to meditate:

  1. clears crap out of your subconscious so you don’t have to play out your stuff with other people
  2. calms the chaos inside you so you don’t go infecting people with your chaotic energy
  3. allows amazing ideas to come into your mind
  4. makes you so calm that everyone around you feels your calm and you become more likeable and radiant
  5. lets you pause before responding rashly to someone or something
  6. Puts you in that special club of people that understand chaotic energy, but don’t react to it, instead of being the one with the bad energy.

Kundalini is the Yoga of Awareness.  Awareness is the Mindfulness everyone is talking about lately. 

So here’s to not pushing but being, and trusting!

Eva G Kane

#itsnottoolatebaby #kundaliniyoga #evagkane #keepyouforever